PAS is when one parent (called the “alienating parent”) systematically and malignantly sets out to destroy their child’s relationship with the other parent (called the “target parent”) — and doesn’t care the main victim is the child. The motivation is revenge.

The alienating parent usually begins by waging a malicious campaign of lies against the target parent. Though in some cases the attacks may be primarily (and insidiously) directed at the children, in many cases the campaign casts a wider net; the alienating parent might wage a smear campaign that involves family and friends. It is quite common for the alienating parent to manipulate the legal system in their bid for destruction of the target parent. The desire for revenge is so strong that the alienating parent puts this desire above the needs of their child to have a relationship and bond with both parents.

As the campaign progresses the alienating parent becomes what Toronto therapist Victoria Lorient-Faibish calls the “amputative parent”, who may succeed in entirely cutting off the relationship between the child and the target parent (and often the grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins). In many documented cases, the amputative parent moves and leave no forwarding address, thereby disrupting visitations.

Because legal help is costly and may take years to get results, and because some alienating parents constantly raise the stakes (waging a smear campaign, trying to damage the target parent professionally, trying to damage the target parent personally, leaving the state or country in order to disrupt visitations which makes new legal action necessary to resume the visitations, and so on), more than a few target parents spend their life savings (and often go into debt) fighting for their right to see their children. In some extreme cases, target parents are forced to wait until the children reach majority to have a relationship with their children. The damage done to the target parent is painful, but doesn’t compare to the damage done to the children.

One must ask how a parent could hate their former spouse more than they love their children?

Since the beginning of the millennium, and especially in the last few years, much progress has been made. Now that the courts and psychotherapists are seeing the damaging short and long-term effects of PAS, judges are more likely to recognize offenders. If you feel you might be the victim of PAS, whether you are a child or target parent, the following links may be helpful.

Informative Links

Update: An extended version of this article at PsychCentral.com.

An excellent white-paper on the topic, required reading for anyone who’s been a victim (and anyone who’s even thinking about alienating their children from their other parent-the results will devastate your children and hurt them for their entire lives).

Our recent favorite, Toronto-based therapist Victoria Lorient-Faibish, hits the nail on the head with a video response to an alienated son and a direct recommendation to alienating parents or anyone who is even thinking about becoming an alienating parent. (Here’s Victoria’s web site).

PAS expert, attorney Amy Baker’s essential book on PAS, Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome: Breaking the Ties That Bind. Although it’s intended readership is the grown-up child of an alienating parent, target parents, attorneys, judges, and therapists all can benefit from reading this candid and intelligent book.

A Family’s Heartbreak tells the personal story of PAS.

Here’s the moving video story an extreme case of PAS where one parent simply takes off with the child, cutting off all ties. It’s the case of Scott Becker and his daughter April, reunited after his daughter April was taken from him by her mom at the age of two months. (Grab some kleenex). As in some cases, reunion may not be possible for a variety of reasons until the child becomes an adult.

Video of speaker at Canadian Symposium for Parental Alienation. The speaker (mentioned above), is lawyer, Amy Baker, who talks about the devastating consequences of PAS. It is an excellent introduction to PAS and is required viewing. Here is part 2, essential viewing to understanding the “head trip”, however there’s a caveat: the disdain for one parent and the absolute love for another depends on the age of the child and is rarely as black and white as it is presented here.

PAS Legal Discussion About Contact Blocking and Other PAS Behaviors

PAS Lawyer’s Page

PAS Viewpoints

Still, I think the conversation is one worth having.

So, is therapy the answer? Yes. It can be.  If you have a mental illness, an addiction, a developmental disability, a serious relationship problem and  various other problems, therapy can help you understand your problem, manage symptoms, find meaning in your situation and your life, and so on.

It can also be a good jumping off point or first step towards finding an answer if you don’t, though I believe that therapy isn’t necessarily the first or only place to turn.

What therapy isn’t is a panacea. Yet, that seems to be precisely the present paradigm. When people are lonely, questioning their lives, feeling shut out or shut down and they don’t know where to turn, today, in the 21st century Western World, a therapist’s office is often where they land.

(Also, today, medication is viewed as the answer to even minor problems).

Only after a comprehensive initial evaluation can it be determined if therapy is indicated. Sometimes, even if there is no clinical problem found during the evaluation, a few sessions can help a person get on the right track. And I know analysts and proponents of long-term psychotherapy for non-clinical reasons offer convincing arguments why these are helpful–and they can be.

But, I feel that there are too many people in therapy who don’t need to be. People whose primary, meaningful relationship in their lives is with their therapist. Shouldn’t therapists be helping people develop meaningful relationships they don’t have to pay for?

Let me qualify further in case my implications aren’t crystal clear–these observations are not absolutes. The evidence is clear: Therapy and medication do help people, and are necessary in many cases. (I wouldn’t be doing what I do if I didn’t believe this). Just not in every case.

I’d love to hear what you think, whether you’re a therapist, a patient, or neither! Please contact me by filling in this feedback form, or leaving a comment in the comment section. [contact-form]

Also, I’ve decided to post some beautiful/interesting photos and paintings, such as the one above by Alfred Sisley (Bridge at the Villeneuve la Garenne, 1872), even if they may not be about the subject matter at hand. I’d rather look at a landscape than a “therapy stock photo” any day. Hope you agree.

Maybe it was the heat, maybe it was simply time for a change.

You probably have noticed our new format on RichardZwolinski.com—we’ve decided to switch to a WordPress blog format for now. We’ve been getting so much traffic at our Therapy Soup blog at PsychCentral.com that we kind of fell behind with our other posts here at my site.

Now we hope to share updated content and new ideas with you all here in the near future. In the meantime, please keep reading Therapy Soup.

Your therapy and addiction treatment advocate,

Richard Zwolinski, LMHC, CASAC